Marriage Teaching (Jan 99)

Dream Their Dreams
January 1999
by Rich Murphy

Many of the people we talk to think that they really know their spouse. After all, if you live with someone for years, you're going to get to know them better than anyone, right?
Actually, it's not necessarily right. People can live together for years, and never really know each other. Yet, in the Old Testament, the term that is used when a man makes love to his wife is that he "knew" his wife. Actually, there are two different terms that are used. It says that Abraham "knew" his wife, Sarah. But, it says that he "went into" Hagar.
What's the difference? When you know someone, you have detailed intimate knowledge about them, that nobody else might have. During sexual intimacy, you are sharing yourself with each other from that point of knowing. On the other hand, to have sexual relations with someone you don't have that level of knowledge about is only a physical lustful activity, without any real love involved. All that happens is that the man "goes into" the woman for sexual release.

So, how do we get to the point where we truly "know" someone? Often, this can happen through shared experiences, especially shared bad experiences. Men who have shared combat experience grow closer to each other than those same men often can grow to their families, or their wives. It's surviving through the experience together that gives them a common bond, one that time and trajedy cannot break.
Likewise, couples that have been through a major natural disaster, or the loss of everything through a fire will also grow closer through the experience. To a lesser extent, even minor problems, like a car breakdown, or getting lost on a trip will do the same.
During the problem, you might not feel any closer, but give it a couple of weeks. That's when the bonds start to seem apparent.
So, since we all want to grow closer to our spouses, does that mean we should find some way of arranging for a tragedy to strike, so that we can experience it together? No, I don't think that's a good idea. We need the closeness, but there is no way we need the problems as a way to cause it. Besides, most of us face enough problems in our lives without going to look for them.
If we're not going to go out of our way to find problems that we can share together, does that mean that we should just let life go on, and hope that we become close through our struggles? No, that isn't a good idea either. Although we will encounter enough obstacles, I don't think that God's idea of our lives if for us to just sit by and wait for whatever happens. He has given us the task of becoming Christlike, and that requires us to take action, not just wait for the action to happen to us.

Remember earlier when we said that "to know" meant to have "detailed intimate knowledge." Well, we need to find opportunity to gain this knowledge. This is where most couples get in trouble. Instead of "communicating" and finding out about each other, they end up at odds with each other whenever they try to sit down and talk. Why? Mostly because of what they talk about.
Instead of talking about each other from a positive viewpoint, most couples spend more time talking about each other negatively. They do this both to each other's faces, when they sit down to talk, and behind each other's backs, talking to their friends. How many times have you heard a man refer to his wife as the "old lady?' Or, how many women have you heard talk about "that bum" they married? Not only is this not honoring toward each other, it's destructive. So, what we really need to do is change the way we talk to, and about each other.
Let's try something different. To really know someone, you must understand their deepest thoughts and feelings, right? So, instead of talking about the kids, and about our finances, let's talk about our dreams.
I'm not talking about dreams that we have while we're sleeping. I'm talking about the dreams that we have of things we'd like to do. These dreams tell us about what a person really wants out of life. Talking about our dreams is fun, and with a little listening, you can find out how to make your spouse really happy.
Set aside some time for talking about your dreams. Make it fun. Get out of the house, and go somewhere that you can be alone; go to the park, on a walk, a drive in the mountains, or just to get a coke. Then pick a topic to dream about. Take time to share with each other the wildest ideas that you'd really want to do. Remember, there are no right and wrong answers. So, listen to each other, and don't worry about if it's practical. Here are a few ideas to start with:

If you had a million dollars, what would you do with it?

If you could take a vacation anywhere and do anything, what would it be (no cost or time limit)?

Of anyplace in the world, where would you most like to live?

If you were a kid again, what would you dream about being when you grew up?

Design a dream house (no cost limit).

If you were king, what would you change?

If you could meet anyone in the world, who would it be, and what would you talk about?

This list is by no means exhaustive, make up your own. It's fun to talk about our dreams, and you'll learn things about your spouse that you never expected.

Okay, you say, now that we've dreamed, what do we do with this information?
Glad you asked. This is where you can help fulfill your mate's wildest dreams. Let me show you one example. Let's say that one of your mate's dream vacations is to take a cruise around the world. Well, you might not be able to afford that, so what can you do?
Simple, take a trip to the travel agent's office on the way home from work, or the grocery store. Ask them to give you a bunch of brochures for cruises, and exotic places to visit. Then, some evening after the kids are in bed, spring your surprise on your mate. Get out some snacks, something romantic like chocolate covered strawberries is good, then dig out your bag of brochures. for the next couple of hours, you can pretend you're planning the trip of your life. It's almost as much fun as taking the trip, and a whole lot cheaper.
The point of all this is growing closer by sharing. When you go through the trouble (and it's really not much trouble) of dreaming your spouses dreams with them, you've just showed them how important they are to you. All it takes is a little time, and a good dose of imagination.
So, dream a few dreams, and have fun! You'll reap some wonderful benefits that you didn't even know were there.