For Pastors
  Spending Time
   in the Desert

For Pastor's Wives
  How to Protect Your
  Marriage From Attack

For Pastor's Kids
Music, Media, Art?

Final Words

THE TRUTH THE WHOLE TRUTH, 
AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH
(For Youth Pastors)

by Jenni Murphy

One of the problems we have in dealing with our youth today is that they are skeptical of everything that we as adults tell them. They are much more likely to believe something that another teenager tells them, than they are to listen to an adult. This is even true when they know the other teenager doesn't know what they're talking about.

I think we have to ask ourselves why this is so. Is this just a teen solidarity thing? Or, is it possible that there is a deeper reason for their distrust? Is it possible that we as adults and parents have done something to earn this distrust?

If we're ever going to get through to the youth of today, we've got to get them to listen to us. I'm not talking about being attentive to us, or even to listening to us with their ears, but a deeper listening; one of the heart. It really doesn't matter whether or not they're attentive to us, or whether they respond positively to us, as much as it matters whether or not they are accepting those things we are saying to them. Really what I'm talking about more than anything is getting them to accept what we say to them.

However, this still leaves us with the question of why don't our youth listen to us today? What has come between us and them, giving them the opinion that they shouldn't listen to what we, as adults and parents say to them?

I can answer those questions with one simple, brutal, direct phrase. Are you ready? Are you sure you want to hear this? Okay, here we go. Our youth don't listen to us because we've lied to them.

That's it. That one sentence is the key to the skepticism of our youth.

The sad thing is that we've lied to them without even realizing we were doing it, or how much those lies would cost. As parents, we've repeatedly said things to our children, probably with the best of intentions, that later turned out to be lies. Unfortunately, in the minds and hearts of our kids, all that happened was that we lied.

How did we do all this unintentional lying to our kids? Let's look at a few common ways:

• Telling them we'd take them someplace, or do something fun with them, only to have our plans change due to financial problems or some last minute emergency. To us, as adults, we had a valid reason to go back on what we said; but to our children, we lied.

• The times we didn't want to answer their difficult questions, so we gave them some phony story instead. I think the place we see this the most is when little children ask, "Where do babies come from?" I'm not suggesting that we give them sex ed classes at five years old, but don't tell them some stupid lie about the stork bringing them either.

• One of the most common is all those times we threatened to discipline them and didn't do it. Instead, we let them continue getting away with doing the same wrong thing. Oh yeah, we eventually disciplined them, but not until we threatened many times over.

• To top it all off, there are the grand intentional lies of our society such as Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny. Oh, and don't forget about television. Basically everything our children see there is a lie of one form or another.

In truth, the life of a child in our society is one in which the words they hear have no solidity, no security, and very little honesty.

Please note that this is a manifestation of our modern society. The Bible tells us that Jesus obeyed His parents (Lk 2:51). It also tells us that He was without sin (Heb 4:15). I seriously doubt that the Lord could have continually obeyed His earthly parents if they made a habit of lying to Him as parents do today.

It's no wonder our youth are skeptical about what we say to them. They've heard us say so many things that really didn't mean anything, that when we try and talk to them about something important, they literally have no basis for faith in our words.

If we are going to impact our youth for Christ we need to change this pattern. If our ministry to them is going to affect the way they live, keep them out of sin, and give them a desire to serve our Lord, they need to be able to believe what we say to them. Amidst all the other turmoil and confusion they face in life, they need to know that when we say something, it is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

I'm talking about being brutally honest with our youth. Not brutal in the way we speak to them, but brutal to ourselves, letting the truth out, even if it makes us look bad. The brutality isn't to them, it's to ourselves as adults.

In the sermon on the mount, Jesus said, "let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No" (Mt 5:37). That seems pretty straightforward to me. He's saying to be honest; don't fudge, don't hedge, don't lie, just tell it like it is. Going even farther back, God said "You shall not bear false witness" (Ex 20:16). Or, in other words, don't lie. That's in the ten commandments. God expects us to full of the truth, and only speak that truth, plain and simple.

The real problem comes in that our youth are going to ask us questions that we don't want to give truthful answers to. They will question our lives, our testimony, and our character. Those are tough questions, and we may not want to answer them. However, if we ever expect them to believe us, we not only need to answer those questions, but do it very straight and direct.

The moment we get up feathers ruffled and ask ourselves "what right do they have to ask me that?" we'll lose them. Because, you see, they really do have a right to ask. They have that right because we're trying to minister to them.

John wrote in his first epistle, "Beloved, believe not every spirit, but try the spirits whether they are of God: because many false prophets are gone out into the world" (1 Jn 4:1). That's what those questions really are. When our youth question who we are deep down inside; when they question whether we have the right to minister to them; when they question our past, they're trying our spirit. In actuality, they're being more biblically accurate than many of the adults in our congregations.

So, how do we deal with those tough questions? Like I said before, we have to be 100% honest in those answers. It doesn't help to dodge them either. In their eyes, dodging a question about ourselves is the same as lying to them. By closing off a part of our lives to them, we close off a part of their hearts to us.

But, let me say this, we need to use wisdom in how we answer those questions. Many times, along with the answer, we need to supply an explanation. Let me give you some examples.

Q: Did you ever use drugs?

A1: Yes, I did. But let me tell you the problems it caused for me, so you can avoid the same problems.

A2: No, I didn't. God protected me from that. But, you know, my friend did and today he can't hold down a decent job because of it.

Q: Did you have sex before you were married?

A: Yes, I didn't know what God said about it, and just like you I thought, "Why should I keep from enjoying this?" Now I wish I hadn't. Had I known the sexual problems I'd end up with in marriage, I never would have had sex before.

Q: Did you ever steal anything?

A: Before I was saved, I took home some things from my workplace. God has forgiven me, but the enemy sure likes to use that memory to try and make me feel guilty.

Q: Did you ever smoke when you were young?

A: Yes I did. That was until I saw my grandfather die of lung cancer. I realized I didn't want to go that way. Even all these years after quitting, I find that my stamina isn't what it should be.

I think that's enough to give you the idea. Let them know the truth about our mistakes, but let them know the whole truth. Not only what we did, but how it has hurt our lives. That way, they can learn from our mistakes. A wise man once said, "A truly wise man is one who learns from other people's mistakes."